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Women in Leadership

The Introvert's Guide to Success With Women at Bars and Clubs

Scot McKay asked:

When it comes to dating advice for guys, how many times have we heard about the importance of being the “alpha” man in a room full of people? After all, women are magically drawn to confidence and leadership, aren’t they? And a charismatic personality is generally understood to kick the attraction potential into hyperdrive. Right?

So we as men are bombarded with continuous tips and tricks on how to stand out. Attraction appears to be predicated upon learning to “banter” and be a “storyteller”. There are even books (and a particularly good one right here: http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/laugh) devoted to how to make women laugh. And if you have the personality to carry all of this, there’s no question it’s powerful stuff.

But there’s a problem. Not everyone has the same personality type, do they? As long as there yet exists a “strong silent type” persona that carries archetypal mystique in the imaginations of certain women, the reality shall remain that there just isn’t a blanket solution when it comes to identifying one single and all-conquering “type” that is sure to attract “all women”. To illustrate this further, consider how “cocky/funny” is powerfully effective stuff…but only with women who find it, well, powerfully effective. Some very attractive women just don’t resonate with it for whatever reason. That’s life.

But wait a minute. How then is the “Strong Silent Guy” supposed to “stand out” in the loud, flamboyant world of “night time game”– where “larger than life” rules–if he isn’t up to the “peacocking” challenge? The truth is a guy with an introverted personality may have incredible potential for igniting attraction in certain women. But how can he effectively convey that in a bar full of people?

That’s a good question, and I’ve been asked it more than once within the past couple of weeks.

In offering a potential answer to it, let’s focus on a key scenario in a bar/club setting. Almost always, night time pick-up strategy begins with “opening a set”. This means having the flat-out confidence and energy to be a part of a larger group of people and TAKE CHARGE of it. The guy who controls the mood and the flow of a group of people (be they all women or mixed company) is the guy who is best positioned for creating attraction among the women of that group. This makes sense. Once you’ve mastered “working the crowd”, as the best stand-up comedians are known for, you can often find yourself in the envious position of taking your pick as to which woman you’d like to “single out” for a more private conversation.

Common wisdom says this requires a gregarious personality of the most outgoing sort.

Not so fast.

The most powerful boardroom chairmen–and indeed the most effective U.S. Presidents–tend to have something in common when it comes to group dynamics. And I believe that they have a valuable secret that introverted guys can learn from when it comes to winning over a room full of people.

Their secret is this: they are fantastic listeners. What’s more, they are equally adept at INVOLVING OTHERS and evaluating opinions.

John F. Kennedy in particular was known for being able to hold a group of high level dignitaries and/or cabinet members at absolute rapt attention. Bear in mind these groups were typically composed of men with immense egos. Yet, JFK actually said relatively little. Instead, he urged involvement from particular individuals at the table with him and paid full attention to their input. When any one person had completed his thought, he would quickly hand off the subject to someone else. Often he would enact the transition by simply asking another person to “continue the thought” or “offer his or her opinion”.

Invariably, the culmination of all this was a great desire on the part of those at the table to finally hear Kennedy’s word on the matter. Not once having elbowed his way into the conversation to exert his views, by the time he spoke all eyes were trained upon his and all ears were hanging on his every word.

A man of great character may be confident, masculine and very much a leader. But he may not be “the life of the party”. The untold truth, however, is that he can indeed emerge as the most overwhelmingly attractive man in the group at a bar or club…if he can do what JFK could.

Lead. Listen. Care. Earn respect and in the process you will have the full attention of some high-quality women.

Will this work always? Will it be effective everywhere? Nothing is…not even the more mainstream “game” tactics, right? But if you are an introverted man, what we’ve discussed here today is one serious and more “natural” alternative to a persona that doesn’t fit.

By the way, whatever your personality type, try JFK’s attitude on for size at work sometime. Watch your career gain forward mobility as a result.

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