Michael Young asked:
Problems happens. It starts with the conflict of pulling the covers off and stepping out of bed. So far so good. You bath, shave, get to work, then something happens. (You knew it would, right?)
Trouble can come from every direction. A delayed product shipment causes a customer to miss a deadline. A salesperson (maybe even you!) promises more than your business could deliver. A prospect finds a defect in one of your widgets that needs redesigning right away.
We all know that missed deadlines are going to occur in life. Setbacks that strain relations between you and your client. Setbacks that can cause disappointment and mistrust to build. Will this mean the end of a once great relationship?
Not necessarily, when strains rise between you and a customer, it may be time for a real conversation. It is time to clear the air and address the setback that is causing trouble. But how do you keep a tough conversation from becoming a full-scale feud that forever damages relations with your customer?
Here are 4 principles to get you through the difficult conversations that can make or break your business. Interpersonal obstacles or your hot buttons as they are called, are the emotional responses set off by the words or actions of others during arguments. You feel blocked during conflict when you perceive the other person’s comments or actions as threatening to your goals in some way. Common obstacles include real or perceived attacks to your competence, worth, freedom, and sense of contribution.
Your hot buttons can foul you up in argument because they cause you to misconstrue, switch off, criticize, or go off on the wrong trail. They also trigger a set of emotional responses that may lead to escalation.
When you are exploding, your brain may endure what is said to be a neural hijacking. The brain recognizes a threat, announces an emergency and moves into combat. This hijacking occurs so fast that the conscious, thinking portion of the brain does not yet fully comprehend what is happening.
So, you are off and running. While saying he rubs me the wrong way suggests it is the other persons duty to knock it off, only you can deal with your own sparks. Everyone’s bait is a little different, so what prompts me may not spark you. This is why attributing others for trapping you is not very positive. You squander time expecting them to change how they respond, when only you can change your own attitudes.
How do you sidestep a ploy instead of point fingers? Here are some effective principles for discovering, noting, and controlling conflict prompts. Start with reflecting your motives. Keeping your calm and in control during conflict is in a large part dependent upon the examining effort you do when you are not in situation.
Learn what sparks you and why you are triggered. Get down to the source. A coach is an excellent resource to walk you through the process. Denying your motives is like building a house without planning. Educate yourself other ways to handle it. Once you are casual interactions. You probably would not take Spanish 101 and then offer your services as an guru. By using your new skills often when the critical problem comes, you will be better able to stay balanced and masterfully defuse the situation.
In the heat of the moment, stop. Take note of your feelings, reactions and tone of voice. A angry face, sweating, normally takes for your emotional flooding to ebb.
Do not use venting as a default method. While it is a well used idea that venting makes people feel better and promotes getting the emotional noise out of the way, research suggests that if you use this practice over and over, the opposite effect occurs. While it may take it away in the moment, venting anger as your normal mode may make you more angry and push your body and brain into a more intense state of anxiety or rage.
God’s Word tells us in Proverbs 26:4,5 says, the fool must be answered but not in a foolish manner. Research indicates that anger is a issue for every Christian. Sinful anger comprises roughly 90 percent of all counseling root questions . While it is not wrong to act in anger since the design of the emotion is to motivate. It is wrong if it is used improperly. It must be used to bring honor to God. After all, anger is a strong force that God built into his people with the intent of moving him to Christian action. Rage and anger are two distinct emotions. Anger is righteous in communication of feelings in response to someones behavior. Jesus got angry. Mark tells us that Jesus turned on the Pharisees in anger (3:5). John tells us of Jesus driving out the moneychangers from the house of God (2:17). God, Himself is angry with the wicked everyday (Psalm 7:11).
To call anger as wrong without qualification legistrates a careless and irresponsible use of the Bible. Our emotional make up is from God. All of our emotions when used in love are blessed. Emotions become sinful when we fail to use them in accord with Biblical limitations and structures. Scripture also teaches us to be angry AND sin not! Biblically appropriate anger can become inproper anger in two ways. By the venting anger and by the internalizing anger. That is by blowing up and clamming up. The Biblical way to handle anger is to concentrate it on the circumstance not toward the person. Deal with it as soon as possible, and rebuild the relationship. Putting the other before yourself.